Divorce is really something that has grown mainstream as time has gone on. The ease with which people can get divorced these days is one of the things that make it so rampant. People toss the word casually about like it’s no big deal, and people use it as a threat when they don’t get their way in a relationship.
Since yesterday, I’ve read a number of posts on this topic, and the majority of them are basically saying that the only deal-breaker for marriages that would warrant a divorce is infidelity and domestic violence. But then, no matter how I think about it, such a yardstick is just wrong. There are so many things that can ruin a marriage, even when neither partner is cheating or violent.
For me, once you’re not happy in a relationship, you should leave. Once you feel that your mental health and your sanity are at stake, you should leave. Don’t wait until they beat you up, don’t wait until they cheat on you. Just leave! I’ve always been of the opinion that marriages should be enjoyed and not endured. You don’t endure something that’s good for you, you enjoy it. Once you’re having to endure, that means it’s definitely bad. You endure pain, you endure suffering, you endure unhappiness. But none of these should be in marriages.
All these I’m saying have nothing to do with finances, because that may not have much gravity where feelings are concerned, and the majority of the reasons for divorce cases, especially in Nigeria, are not based on financial reasons. I’m also not saying that there won’t be arguments and quarrels, there will always be. But then, no matter how bad you fight with your partner, you should know that it won’t be bad enough for you to leave them. However, you should also know when a line has been crossed.
Today, there are those who have remained married to the people that they have come to hate because they don’t want to be known as a 'divorcee'. The majority of the reasons people have stayed in marriages is because they are scared of what people will say! That’s it. The reason divorce is more rampant during our period is because couples of today care less about the stigma that society places on divorcee, and more about their well-being. Back in the day, parents cared more about what people would say, so they stayed with people who didn’t treat them right.
For me, I’ve found that once you find yourself beginning to hate the person you’re living with, or being mad at everything that they do, it’s always the best time to get out of that relationship before either of you does something that they would regret. We’ve heard stories of people killing their partners over infidelity, but such things didn’t happen overnight. Sadly, cheating is not a crime, but killing someone who cheated on you is very much a crime, and if you’re caught, you will rot in prison.
What about partners who go out of their way to sabotage their spouses? Those who will purposely stop their wives from getting promotions, just to keep them subservient. I’ve heard the story of a woman who ruined a contract worth millions for her husband because the person he was going to sign the contract with was a beautiful woman. Once trust is no longer in that relationship, there is no reason to continue with it. Being in a relationship where you’re scared to say your mind because of how they’ll react, or you’re scared to have friends over because of how they’ll perceive it, is just not healthy at all.
But then, I can’t ignore the toxic partners who go out of their way to isolate their partners from everyone and everything. They keep them away from their friends and family, gaslighting and trying to make them feel small. Believe me, there are people who talk down on their partners, calling them awful names and telling them horrible things.
So, cheating and violence can’t be the only basis for divorce. Because there are so many other things that can happen in a marriage that will turn your brain upside down. You’ll see people who were once jovial and happy suddenly become withdrawn and moody once they get married. They’re only a shadow of themselves, and they can’t seem to return to who they used to be.
But then, divorce can be easy when it’s just the couple. How then does it work out when there are kids involved? My advice? Do it anyway. Kids are not foolish, they’re smarter than you think. You can’t be teaching them to stand for themselves and stand for what is right, yet every day, they see you taking rubbish from your partner. They have to know that even when it may be hard, a difficult choice still has to be made because, as humans, they deserve to be treated with respect.
If you stay in an abusive relationship, your kids will watch you getting abused every single day, and see you choosing to remain there. Is that the kind of parent you want your babies to see you as? Because they could grow up thinking that abuse is a normal thing. And when they too get married in the future, they expect their partner to be open to such abuse simply because their parents "practiced" it and it worked for them.
In cases like these, the welfare of the children is most important, not even the parents. And the topic says the trauma the kids will face from divorce… but this is big 2025, if not now, within the next five to ten years, at least one in every five kids will know what it feels like to have divorced parents, or parents who are separated. I don’t think the trauma from this will compare to the dangerous effects of making a kid watch one parent bully and constantly put down the other parent.
Choosing to stay with an abusive partner will not make them see you as a strong person. Choosing to stay with a cheating partner won’t make them see you as the epitome of what a good spouse should be. You might think they don’t notice these things, but they do. They see it all. They hear the snide remarks, they see your reactions. And they for sure know when you’re lying to them, telling them that you’re okay. Meanwhile, you’re crying because of something your partner did.
So, my dear friends, divorce is not the bad guy here. I’m not saying that you should go into a marriage with hopes of getting a divorce. That’s dumb, like writing a test with hopes of failing it. However, have it at the back of your mind that it’s still an option. Marriage is a beautiful thing, but once it starts turning into something else, ask yourself, “Do I want my kids to see me as someone who can’t stand for myself? What kind of lesson am I teaching them?”
Don’t stay in a marriage because of “what people will say”. Don’t stay in a marriage because “It’s too late for you to be single”. If you’re choosing to stay, it should be because you believe that what you have can still work out. The opinions of the two partners involved are the only determining factors, not the opinions of people who are only after gossip and don't really care about you.
So yeah… this is my take on the topic. Uhm… I’m not married yet, so I may have limited experience when it comes to such matters. Very limited, actually😁. However, I do believe that the reason many people act up in marriages is because they believe that after the wedding, it’s a done deal and nothing else can change. Maybe if we actually believe that we can lose our partners to divorce, we’ll be more on our toes so we work harder to keep them in our lives.
This is just my 2 cents.
